i need an iv and a liver transplant
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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