Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
as a side note pls kill me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
