I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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