I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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