things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
