Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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