omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
