It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
