There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
