Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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