singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
