i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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