my phone needs a breathalizer
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
