it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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