yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
