happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
