you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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