I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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