Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
