I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize