Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
