I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
