for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
