I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
