I just gift wrapped bread.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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