Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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