Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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