The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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