He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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