Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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