any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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