I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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