Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
