so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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