I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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