Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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