Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
