dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
