laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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