My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Sober January is a disaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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