I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
