u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
