I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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