And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
