yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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