i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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