A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
