Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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