I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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