I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
