When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
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somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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