I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
