i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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