i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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