Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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