I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
