Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
