I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
