i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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